The first penis I ever saw belonged to Edward. He lived across the street from me and we shared everything, including our best friend, Wally. I adored Eddie. He had a finished basement and older brothers with far more pressing issues, keeping his parents otherwise occupied. We spent countless hours in the sparse, damp, enclave, eating cheese doodles and listening to music.
The penis day began like any other. Edward and I sat on his couch listening to Billy Joel, singing Scenes From An Italian Restaurant at the top of our lungs. We were thirteen and Edward had started smoking cigarettes. He could be found roller-skating around the neighborhood wearing rainbow suspenders in homage to Mork, forever trying to pick up girls. He’d skate up, suspender clad, heater in hand, and irresistible, with the most contagious laugh, and use some line like, “hey there I seem to have misplaced my number can I have yours?” He had already had several girl friends; unheard of amongst the band of boys we played with. Edward had abandoned his fear of girl cooties by the age of eight around the same time he felt his first breast.
I remember the penis event clearly.
“Een, have you ever seen a...you know...a dick?”
“Other than you? No.”
Edward was not one to mince words.
“Ha, ha, very funny. So, do you want to see mine?”
“Good God no! Why would I?”
“Trust me, I’d be doing you a big favor. This way you won’t be shocked when you see one for the first time. Well, the second time.”
It sounded reasonable to me. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to being curious. I had no sexual attraction to Edward but he was a boy and he was willing so what the hell?
“Fine. Why not.” I shrugged.
Edward pulled back the blanket in his lap to reveal his penis. An involuntary gasp of shock escaped from my throat.
“That may be the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen. No kidding.”
“I know, but watch what it does.”
Suddenly, without provocation, it started to move. I was stunned and horrified and a bit envious that I didn’t have an equally remarkable body part.
“I told you that you’d be shocked!”
He was right. I was shocked stupid.
“How did you do that?”
“I have no idea. It happens all the time. I don’t do anything. It just does that. I have absolutely no control over it.”
“Yikes. Does it hurt?”
“It’s nearly killing me.”
Edward and I both looked down at his now shrinking appendage.
“That is disgusting,” I finally mutter.
“It is and that’s not even the worst of it.”
I was confused but knew enough not to press.